Roller Coasters

Being a grown up is hard. Decision making is the worst, especially when it's about your health. How do we ever know if we're making the right decision? This post is going to be cryptic but I need to get this out.

I'm thinking about it like this: it could be worse. I mean life can always be worse. So with this decision being made I could FINALLY be on the road to getting better. Or it could just delay things for a lot longer than I hoped. Man, if only I could see into the future. I have made my decision, but I'm scared to say it out loud. It's 10:30pm on a Wednesday night and I'm racking my brain over it. Textbook over-thinker right here! I'm going to make the call tomorrow and get the wheels turning. Once things are finalized, I plan on sharing my story here in hopes that I can help others who may find themselves in my position one day (hope not!).

I've consulted with the family and professionals and it looks like everyone is on the same page for the most part. I know life is a roller coaster and this ride has been bumpy! It'll be nice to get on the kiddie ride soon and not have to deal with so much of the scariness all at once. A break is much needed.

I don't know if this post will make sense. I just wanted to get on here and write. If you're reading this and believe in the universe or a higher power, I would love if you could put in a good word for me. Until next time loves! Hope you have a great week!

My Hiatus Explained

Did you miss me?! Lol. I haven't posted in quite some time and thought I would hop in and give a bit of an update.

After my accident in late February I went into a bit of a funk. The accident shook me up emotionally and it just made my anxiety with driving a lot worse. My husband and I went on a search for a new vehicle and once we found it, I didn't even drive it off the lot! Lol. Eventually I got more comfortable driving again and I really love all the fancy features of the car (hello sunroof!).

After the car issues, I've just been dealing with some health issues and trying to take each day as it comes. I did some traveling with family in April and May to Las Vegas and Arkansas. Traveling is hard with an injury, however I was able to communicate with airline staff a lot better this time than when I have traveled in the past. Before, I would have been too shy or embarrassed to ask for help but not this time and it was so worth it. For the most part I managed okay and my sister and mom were so accommodating when I had a visit with them. Being with your loved ones is so good for the soul. I'm very lucky.

My sister and I in windy Vegas

Mom and I on our adventure in Arkansas meeting family

Here's a little example of the measures I take when traveling:

A portable heating pad saved me both with my stomach and back aches and pains. I rely on a plug in one at home multiple times a day so discovering this little gem was such a blessing! Just trying to live as normal of a life as I can with chronic pain.

A couple weeks ago I had my 30th birthday. My best friend of 19 years made it so special for me once again. We spent a few hours at the beach during the day and enjoyed a quiet dinner with our gentlemen that night. It was a no fuss kind of day and just what I needed.

These milestone birthdays can sometimes be a bit daunting for some, at least for me this one was. Did I ever think I would be living this life when I turned 30? Absolutely not. It's just one of life's gentle reminders that things don't always go as planned. Every year I always hope that this will be my year of recovery. That living with chronic pain will be part of my past and my husband and I can finally start a family. Sadly, I know this year will be just another year in the books of my living with chronic pain journey. Like I said before, times are tough right now and this planner and worrier is doing the best I can to take each day as it comes.

I miss blogging and I miss sharing things here but life is complicated and I can't know for sure when my next post will be.  Hope you'll stick around. Looking forward to getting back to reading as well, to see what my favorite bloggers have been up to.

Lazy Days

After having such busy week last week, I took advantage of the gap in my schedule these past couple days. Catching up on my favorite shows, cuddling with my pup, reading and over all just enjoying the quiet.

American Sniper by Chris Kyle
My husband finished this and handed it over to me. Really liking it so far.

Today I plan on getting in some exercise. I've been working more on my cardio and trying to strengthen my arms. I'm definitely taking baby steps but I don't have any goal in mind, I just want to keep moving.

Friday is a big day for Wan and I, we'll be celebrating our 4th wedding anniversary. Time sure does fly! We are keeping with tradition and getting dressed up for dinner and a movie. I'll have a recap of our day soon!

Hope you have a great day!

Thoughtful Thursday

This week has been flying by and I have so much on my mind. Here's a bullet point list of a lot of what's going through this crazy head of mine!

• Appointments! How did I book an appointment for everyday this week?! They are all health related and some I've been waiting on for a while. I sure am glad to be getting stuff done!

A little chronic pain funny :)
Pinterest

•  The future. Is it bad to think a lot about the future? I can't help it. Sometimes I feel like life is so stagnant and I just drift off to a better time. A time I know is coming. I've been all about visualizing lately. If I think positively and surround my self with positivity then maybe something positive will happen! I'm still living the best life I can but I know there is so much more out there for me. :)

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•  Visiting my Mom. It's been almost three years since I've been to my Mom's house in Arkansas! I've seen her a lot since then but man I miss just being with her in her home. A big reason why it's been so long is because of the small town she lives in, it takes a couple planes to get there and man is it painful trying to manage all that! I do check flight prices daily though, hoping maybe a flight will be so cheap I'll just suck it up and go be with my mama. :)

Pinterest

•  My amazing husband. I got so lucky with that guy. When he can, he drops everything for me and never complains! There are still a few things I can't do on my own and he is always there. I've been doing a lot of staring at him and thinking this lately. Good thing he's used to me being a weirdo! Lol.

Pinterest

These are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my thoughts but it's nice to share some of them with you.

Hope you're having a great week!

Hey Guys!

Holy crap! I didn't realize it had been so long since I last updated the blog! Well I'm back to check in and share what I've been up to by way of the bullet point. Enjoy!

• We moved!  Lots of changes in our life prompted the move but it was mostly to be closer to my dad and brothers while I prepare for and recover from surgery.

• You read that right, I am in the process of choosing a world class surgeon for my surgery! I was sent the provider list a couple weeks ago and now I'm just waiting for my appointment. :)

• I've been trying to get out of an emotional rutt by being more social. Moving and getting ready for surgery has been really nerve racking and I just need to forget about it sometimes. My friends and husband really help me out when I need it! I went to a BBQ this past weekend and Wan and I went to the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library last week. All of which I hope I get around to recapping for you soon!

• I love to drive! Since my injury I can't drive any long distances with my back and leg pain but when I do get to drive my car I really love it. I've been able to drive myself to my doctors appointments now that I live closer and those few minutes of alone time in my car with the music turned up is the best!

• With surgery getting closer, I've started to plan some of the things that I want to do once my recovery is complete. The first one is Disneyland! Too cliche? Lol. No but really, my sister and I have been talking about it for quite some time and with her in Colorado she really misses it. I live about 1 1/2 hours north of Disneyland and have not been since my high school grad night! I can't wait. Hoping and praying my surgery comes quick and I recover well without living in pain everyday. "I can't wait" is an understatement!

And that is all she wrote! For now. I'll try to work on some recap posts this week so I can capture all the wonderful things I've been up to this summer.

I hope you have a great day!

Motivational Monday | Picking Up the Pieces

In my last post I mentioned how overwhelmed I've been feeling. Although retail therapy is a great release of stress, it's also just temporary.  When I'm feeling like everything is falling apart I try to remember all the coping mechanisms I have stored away to help me get through it. Sometimes they help, and sometimes they don't.

I know that hiding under a rock or sleeping the day away is not going to fix my problems. Addressing them and moving forward is what needs to be done. I got horrible new last week regarding my disability issues and it could mean there will be a lot of changes coming my way. Change is hard, especially when it's not welcome. After taking a few days to hide from my  problems, I finally tackled what needed to be done. Thank goodness for my Mom, she can be really tough on me when I need it.

I know that whatever happens I'm going to be okay. Things may not be going the way I planned them to be but I'm going to learn from this experience and move forward. It's time to pick up the pieces and not give up.

I've lost enough weight for surgery and have already had an MRI to assess how my injury is looking. Now it's time to wait some more and pray for good news. Living life with chronic pain is really hard but I need to keep living. It's going to get better. :)

 

I hope you have a great week!

It's Okay

I've taken yet another blogging break and I'm totally okay with that. I realized that I'm not an everyday blogger right now. Life is moving right along and I don't have much to talk about these days.

Learning to let things go and be okay with certain things has always been a struggle for me. This journey I'm on with dealing with an injury and waiting for surgery is hard. Maintaining everything is hard. I'm learning to be okay with the fact that things aren't always going to go the way I want them to and I need to keep moving forward.

Last week sucked. I had my weekly weigh-in with Jenny Craig and I gained! I was heartbroken. So many questions and so much disappointment. I cried off and on all day. The stress and pressure to lose weight for surgery finally broke me. I'd like to say I'm losing weight to get healthy and fit and although that is a plus it's not why I'm losing the weight. I'm doing this to qualify for surgery and finally be pain free.

After a lot of thinking I finally realized that it's okay that I had a gain. It's all part of life right? There are going to be ups and downs with everything. I need to just keep moving forward and go with the flow. It'll all work out. I know it.

This weeks weigh-in was a little different than my past ones. Although I wanted a loss, I knew that I'd be okay with whatever I got. I have worked so hard these past few months. It's time to stop second guessing myself.

I ended up losing the most weight I have since I started the program and made up for last weeks gain. :)

I'm not sure why I gained or if it even matters at this point. Staying consistent is going to be my main focus. The pounds will come off on their own. Consistency will be my biggest focus.


I can do it.

My thoughts are kind of all over the place right now so this post may not make the most sense but putting them down on "paper" is such a benefit to me. I can't wait to look back and see how far I've come.

Hope you're having a great week!

Motivational Monday: My Journey...So Far

I'm back! Lol. I really am this time! I finally got a new computer and it's small enough for me to carry everywhere and be comfortable on the couch when my back is really sore. :)

I've been pretty busy lately! It's mostly due in part to getting a good handle on my depression. I've been able to cope better and losing weight has definitely boosted my confidence. That's right, this girl has lost 22lbs! Yay! I've been on Jenny Craig since September 24th and I've been loving it. It was really hard at first but like anything new, it takes some getting used to.

I plan on posting before and after pictures eventually, but I think I'll wait until I reach one of my goals.

 



Right now I'm keeping busy with trying to walk at least three times a week. Working through the pain is difficult but I'm getting through it. :) My Dad is finally getting a good hold of his health issues and my husband and I are taking turns with helping him get to his appointments and run errands. I never realized how hard it would be trying to take care of myself and my chronic pain while also trying to help my Dad deal with his issues. Tough stuff! It's all part of the journey I guess.

 

This has really been resonating with me lately. I am doing it.

I can finally say I see an end in site and with a few more pounds to lose I'm almost there! Once I reach my weight loss goal I'll be getting ready to meet with a surgeon. I've exhausted all my recovery options these past two years and I'm looking forward to finally feeling like something might work.

 

It feels so good to be back blogging and finally catching up with my dear friends in the blog world. I've missed you! Stay tuned for Wednesday's post!

 

Hope you have a great day!

Happy Holidays and more!

I'm back! Yay! I know in my last post I promised to blog soon and of course life got in the way. But I'm here and plan to update you all on what I've been up to!

I'd like to do separate posts about everything but I'll try to sum it up here to give you a bit of a preview. :)

I officially started Jenny Craig at the end of September and I'm 3 months in! I've lost 15lbs and feel wonderful! I'm learning how to eat all over again and exercising a lot of self control! Dieting like this during the holidays is a challenge and I'm so proud of what I've accomplished so far.


For Thanksgiving I headed out to Colorado Springs, CO to visit my sister and mom. I got stuck in my first snow storm and was constantly amazed by the beautiful snow-filled landscape. My sisters German Shepherd, Kilo, kept me entertained and gave me lots of love when I was missing my fur-baby at home. I also met up with a friend I met through Facebook when our husbands went through training together! It was a great day! I'll give you a full update on my trip as soon as I can. :)

My sisters front yard :)

Look at that face! My "nephew", Kilo. :)

Amanda and I. Love this girl!

As soon as I got back from my trip I began decorating for Christmas! I absolutely love this time of year! I decorated the house and sent out holiday cards to friends, family and Amanda's Somewhere Over the Camo holiday card exchange. I also made a cake for my brother-in-laws 15th birthday and went to a "costume" party for my best friends birthday. That was all in the last couple of weeks! This past Friday my husband and I also went to his Judo Club's holiday party and had so much fun! :)

My sweet boy in front of our tree.

Holiday cards were sent out!

My brother-in-law's birthday cake.
 

"Costume" Party with my Bestie! :)

This week my Mom has been in town and we've been spending a lot of time together. Tonight we will be having dinner at my brother's house and then it's Christmas! I'm so happy to be back blogging and hope I can catch you up even more in the next coming weeks.

Happy Holidays!

A Start

I've officially been on Jenny Craig for almost three weeks now. The first two weeks were rough on me.

I went from eating two to three times a day (I know that's bad!) to now eating six times a day! I was so full my first week and breakfast was the hardest meal to get down. I've never liked eating right after I wake up. Now I don't have a choice. Fortunately, things have began to take routine and I'm no longer feeling full or having a hard time eating in the morning. 

My first two weigh-ins were not ideal. I went up 0.8 oz my first week and down 0.4 oz my second week. I've been following the program exactly and have no results yet. I knew after consulting with my doctor that the pain meds I'm taking would slow down my metabolism. Even though I do everything I can to manage my pain on my own. I still need medication to keep me moving and not bed ridden. 

I've been encouraged by my doctor and Jenny Craig counselor to try to walk as much as I can. Last week I walked a total of 40 minutes in two days! That's a big deal for me! However, this week was so much harder. 

I walked on Monday for about 15 minutes and noticed towards the end that a flare up was coming on. Flare up for me means spasming in my lower back and radiating pain down my legs. When I got home I laid down and iced my back as usual. The next day I woke up in horrible pain and have been getting flare ups that have been lasting the majority of the day. Today is three days since my walk and I am still recovering. 

As much as I want to lose this weight, I know that my health is more important. I'm going to start limiting my walks to 10 minutes or less a day and see how that works. It's a start and will give me a chance to see how my body reacts and when I'll be ready to do more. 

I hope you're having a wonderful day!

My Mom Came and Good News!

I can't believe it's been over a month since my last post! I've been so behind on blogging lately! This past month has been busy! Since everyone loves pictures, I thought I'd give you an update with some of the pictures I've taken this past month.

At the beginning of September my Mom came for a visit and spent 2 whole weeks here! It was so wonderful having her here for a longer trip.

 

First order of business was to make her wonderful homemade carrot cake! So good!

Lots of family time! Here we are with my younger brother, Matt.

We spent some time with my Aunt Toby (Dad's sister).

I snapped some pictures of the decor at the restaurant we had lunch at with my Aunt.

My beautiful Mom at lunch. So lucky to have her in my life.

We also had a great time chatting on my Aunt's back patio. 

She lives in a beautiful Spanish-style home in the Hollywood Hills.

It was so wonderful having my Mom here for so long this time. I'm now counting down the days until December when she'll be back. :)

Soon after my Mom left town I got the news that I've been waiting for! I get to start Jenny Craig! As some of you may know, my upcoming surgery is contingent upon me losing the weight I've gained since my injury. It was the best news I've received in a long time! I've been on the program for almost two weeks and it's going well. It was really hard at first to train myself to eat 6 meals a day every 2 hours! I was always full and all those veggies were not making me feel too hot at first. Now that I'm in my second week of the program, I have a good routine and feel like I'm making good strides to lose the weight. 

Some of the yummy food I get to eat on Jenny Craig!
French Toast with Berries and Vanilla Yogurt.

Of course with anything new there has been some anxiety. I have found comfort in the support of my husband and my parents and know that whatever the results of this program may be I'm going to be okay. I plan on talking more about my experience here on the blog and I'm very excited to be sharing this part of my journey with you!

Happy October!

My Journal

Through this journey I've been on with my injury, I've met some amazing people that are working to get me better and reach my goal of fully recovering. One of those people is my therapist, Estrid. I've been seeing her for a year now and I am so happy at the progress I've made. Suffering from chronic pain comes with many down sides. I'd say one of the biggest ones is depression. I never thought I was a depressed person. I was in denial for a very long time about my emotions. I never addressed how I was feeling usually. I got so good at just pushing things deep down and hiding them away that when I was given the diagnoses of severe depression, I couldn't believe it.

Now that I've accepted it, Estrid has been working with me to establish coping mechanisms to help me deal with the hard stuff. One of the issues I face with my depression is feeling lonely and unsupported. Don't get me wrong, my husband and my family are amazingly supportive. Unfortunately, there is only so much they can do for me. These feelings of loneliness and sadness often surface the most at night when my pain may be more prominent and I wake up at 3AM. Rocky, my pup, is even sleeping that late and doesn't want to be bothered (he's an amazing dog and gives me so much comfort) :).

So with all that said, Estrid and I began talking about things that make me feel less lonely at those really tough times. One thing I mentioned to her is prayer. I've never considered myself a very religious person. My Dad is Jewish and my Mom was raised Christian and I got kind of stuck in between. We celebrated Passover in the spring and Christmas in the winter and it worked for our family. As an adult I can see why it can be confusing but as a child I loved all the times I got to spend with family. It wasn't about religion for me. One thing that has stayed constant is my belief in God. That has never wavered and I feel like I could not get through this trying time in my life without Him. Whenever I pray, especially on those really rough nights, I feel so much better. God is not too busy for me, He is always listening and always there. From there, she recommended that I keep a prayer journal.

Source

I've written in a journal in the past but never for therapy, never for prayer. This is something new to me and I am so excited to see the benefits that will come from this. There have been studies done that show that writing has an improved affect on ones well being. I hope this is what gets me through those hard times and I know I will continue it even once I'm passed all this. I know I am going to get through this and I know that God will be there for me every step of the way.

Do you keep a journal? Has it helped you get through a hard time in your life? I'd love to hear from you! :)

My Weekend

This weekend was pretty good. Because of my injury I don't get out much and do many things but I try to make the best of it. :)

Friday, my husband and I took a trip to Walmart! I know, so exciting! Ha ha. We didn't need anything in particular but it was nice to just get out of the house. I ended up getting this wonderful maxi dress. It's super long and comfortable! I added a belt to it to dress it up a little. It comes in other colors and I can't wait to go back and get more. 

Saturday, we stayed in and did some chores around the house. Our L.A. Kings are in the playoffs so we spent the evening watching the game and cheering them on. 

Sunday, we had a wonderful date night at our local Poquito Mas. It's a small Baja Mexican franchise restaurant here in California. Not sure if they are in other states but its one of my favorite places to eat. I got a chance to wear my new dress and had a great make-up and hair day! 

I also started doing Simple Pilates this weekend! I have a great video that walked me through all the exercises. I was surprised at how many of them I knew from physical therapy. I skipped a few of the higher intensity ones and spent a lot of time focusing on my breathing and "scooping" my lower abs. Stronger core leads to a stronger back.  Slowly but surely I'll be ready for surgery. 

I hope you all had a great weekend! :)

Hey Stranger!

I just thought I'd drop in and give an update. :)

Our computer decided to stop working hence yet another break from blogging. I was hoping to have a new one by now but it may take a bit longer. For now I'll try to post as often as I can on my phone. :)

I haven't even been able to read many blogs and feel so behind! Hopefully I can catch up soon! I miss my bloggy friends!

As for an update, not too much going on. I met with a psychologist for a pre-op evaluation today. It wasn't the best news but he did say with weight loss and some core strengthening work outs, I should be ready for surgery. Slowly but surely I guess. I'm still moving forward and taking each day as it comes. 

The book I was given by the Doctor. Getting ready!

Can't wait to catch up with everyone soon! Hope you are having a great week!

Happy Sunday!

I'm finally back from a brief blogging hiatus. Honestly, I didn't have much to share and thought it was best to lay low until I did. :)

Lately I've been going through a bit of a transformation. For the past year and a half I've been injured and have had a very poor quality of life. I've suffered from depression, gained about 30lbs and bound myself to my house to keep my pain levels under control.

The last few months I've been seeing a therapist to help with my depression and she has been helping me so much. I've been advised by my doctor to start Jenny Craig and after having a consultation, I'm really looking forward to getting started. I've also been trying to get outside more and try not to feel bad when my family and friends are out and about living life. I'm really working towards being at peace with where I am in my life right now. Instead of feeling like the world is passing me by, I'm no longer going to let this injury define me. I deserve more then that.

Because of my weight gain, many of my clothes no longer fit me. For a while I resorted to yoga pants and t-shirts as my daily wardrobe. I didn't recognize the person in the mirror anymore. I was disgusted at what I had turned into. Recently, I've begun to accept more of where I'm at in my life and use make-up and my collection of hair flowers to liven up my days. My wardrobe is still lacking but with time I know I'll be able to build it up a little more and feel better about how I look. Until then, I'm having so much fun trying new make-up products and adding more flowers to my collection. :)

As you can tell, I'm a huge work in progress and I'm okay with that. I'm feeling better about my outlook on life and know this pain won't be here forever. The possibilities are limitless when it comes to what I can do once I'm feeling better. I'm excited for the future but definitely going to live each day as it comes and not let myself feel burdened by all the "what if's" life may throw my way. Today is a new day and I'm going to enjoy all it has to offer.

Happy Sunday!

Happies and Crappies

Happies

This is our 8 year anniversary weekend and we plan on going out for some sushi and a movie! Any night with sushi involved is a good night! ;)

After a super painful week and a half, I am finally starting to feel better. The pain is still there of course but I'm managing it a lot better.

Sunday is St. Patrick's Day and not only do I get to wear green and eat lots of corned beef and cabbage, it's also my sister's birthday! I wish I was with her this year but we have Skype so at least I get to see her! :)

The weather here in California is super warm! It's like we skipped spring and jumped right into summer! The great thing about it is the skies are blue and being outside is just wonderful. It makes you feel good!

Crappies

This past week has been very dramatic! My husband got hit by a tire on the freeway. Yea you read that right, a big rig tire from a blow out hit our car! It's all dented and cracked now. :( We've been dealing with the insurance, but it could take a while to get fixed. Hopefully soon! Send lots of prayers and good thoughts that we can get it beautiful again.

I'm still in chronic pain everyday. Like I said before it's not keeping me in bed all day like last week but I'm still taking my pain meds daily and just trying to be patient. I can't wait to be fixed again!

My mom is having a really rough emotional week and I can't be with her. :( This long distance mother-daughter relationship is tough sometimes! I'm grateful I get to talk to her on the phone but I'm a hugger and I can't hug my mama. Hoping I get to see her soon though. :)

I hope everyone has a great weekend! Happy Friday!

Wordless Wednesday

I'm starting to feel a bit better and taking each day as it comes.

Here's a little glimpse of what I've been up to!

 Hangin' out with my love in his truck.

 Gifts from my sister! Part of a coupon haul she did.

I got a haircut! It's been way too long and I love it!

I also just joined up with Bloglovin' and I hope you will follow me! 

The link is in the right sidebar. :)