Living with Chronic Pain

Do you ever feel suffocated by life? The overwhelming pressure just pushes on you and the only thing you feel like doing is running away. Maybe not, but for me that's how I've been feeling lately. There are so many factors contributing to this "pressure", but one of the main factors is that I'm no where near where I want to be in my life. I'm a planner. Losing control will send me into a panic attack or leave me so anxious I just physically shut down. Being in control is where I'm happy.

I've been living with my injury and chronic pain for 4 1/2 years now. After seeing multiple surgeons, the majority of them feel I am not a candidate for surgery. The major deciding factor? My age. Studies have shown that 10 years from now a patient who chose back surgery and one who opted out will have the same symptoms. After all the research I've done, I agree. Why have them cut me open and take out pieces of my spine when they can be saved? There are conservative forms of pain treatment though. I can have epidurals followed up by physical therapy, as well as a nerve procedure that could leave me pain free long enough to strengthen my core and body. No longer depending on pain medications to function daily would be amazing. Sounds nice doesn't it? Unfortunately, things I can't speak too publicly about are trying to prevent me from getting the care I need. Fighting this thing has become a full time job for me. I'll get there though. There has to be a light at the end of this long tunnel.

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There it is. Today is hard. It's not necessarily a high pain day, but the consequences of what this pain has done to my life is hanging heavy on my shoulders. I thought writing this would help. I haven't posted anything here in so long I'm not even sure anyone will read this. It doesn't really matter though, writing is therapeutic so I'm going to keep doing it. Maybe tomorrow will be better. :)