Living with Chronic Pain

Do you ever feel suffocated by life? The overwhelming pressure just pushes on you and the only thing you feel like doing is running away. Maybe not, but for me that's how I've been feeling lately. There are so many factors contributing to this "pressure", but one of the main factors is that I'm no where near where I want to be in my life. I'm a planner. Losing control will send me into a panic attack or leave me so anxious I just physically shut down. Being in control is where I'm happy.

I've been living with my injury and chronic pain for 4 1/2 years now. After seeing multiple surgeons, the majority of them feel I am not a candidate for surgery. The major deciding factor? My age. Studies have shown that 10 years from now a patient who chose back surgery and one who opted out will have the same symptoms. After all the research I've done, I agree. Why have them cut me open and take out pieces of my spine when they can be saved? There are conservative forms of pain treatment though. I can have epidurals followed up by physical therapy, as well as a nerve procedure that could leave me pain free long enough to strengthen my core and body. No longer depending on pain medications to function daily would be amazing. Sounds nice doesn't it? Unfortunately, things I can't speak too publicly about are trying to prevent me from getting the care I need. Fighting this thing has become a full time job for me. I'll get there though. There has to be a light at the end of this long tunnel.

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There it is. Today is hard. It's not necessarily a high pain day, but the consequences of what this pain has done to my life is hanging heavy on my shoulders. I thought writing this would help. I haven't posted anything here in so long I'm not even sure anyone will read this. It doesn't really matter though, writing is therapeutic so I'm going to keep doing it. Maybe tomorrow will be better. :)

Motivational Monday | Picking Up the Pieces

In my last post I mentioned how overwhelmed I've been feeling. Although retail therapy is a great release of stress, it's also just temporary.  When I'm feeling like everything is falling apart I try to remember all the coping mechanisms I have stored away to help me get through it. Sometimes they help, and sometimes they don't.

I know that hiding under a rock or sleeping the day away is not going to fix my problems. Addressing them and moving forward is what needs to be done. I got horrible new last week regarding my disability issues and it could mean there will be a lot of changes coming my way. Change is hard, especially when it's not welcome. After taking a few days to hide from my  problems, I finally tackled what needed to be done. Thank goodness for my Mom, she can be really tough on me when I need it.

I know that whatever happens I'm going to be okay. Things may not be going the way I planned them to be but I'm going to learn from this experience and move forward. It's time to pick up the pieces and not give up.

I've lost enough weight for surgery and have already had an MRI to assess how my injury is looking. Now it's time to wait some more and pray for good news. Living life with chronic pain is really hard but I need to keep living. It's going to get better. :)

 

I hope you have a great week!

Motivational Monday: My Journey...So Far

I'm back! Lol. I really am this time! I finally got a new computer and it's small enough for me to carry everywhere and be comfortable on the couch when my back is really sore. :)

I've been pretty busy lately! It's mostly due in part to getting a good handle on my depression. I've been able to cope better and losing weight has definitely boosted my confidence. That's right, this girl has lost 22lbs! Yay! I've been on Jenny Craig since September 24th and I've been loving it. It was really hard at first but like anything new, it takes some getting used to.

I plan on posting before and after pictures eventually, but I think I'll wait until I reach one of my goals.

 



Right now I'm keeping busy with trying to walk at least three times a week. Working through the pain is difficult but I'm getting through it. :) My Dad is finally getting a good hold of his health issues and my husband and I are taking turns with helping him get to his appointments and run errands. I never realized how hard it would be trying to take care of myself and my chronic pain while also trying to help my Dad deal with his issues. Tough stuff! It's all part of the journey I guess.

 

This has really been resonating with me lately. I am doing it.

I can finally say I see an end in site and with a few more pounds to lose I'm almost there! Once I reach my weight loss goal I'll be getting ready to meet with a surgeon. I've exhausted all my recovery options these past two years and I'm looking forward to finally feeling like something might work.

 

It feels so good to be back blogging and finally catching up with my dear friends in the blog world. I've missed you! Stay tuned for Wednesday's post!

 

Hope you have a great day!

My Journal

Through this journey I've been on with my injury, I've met some amazing people that are working to get me better and reach my goal of fully recovering. One of those people is my therapist, Estrid. I've been seeing her for a year now and I am so happy at the progress I've made. Suffering from chronic pain comes with many down sides. I'd say one of the biggest ones is depression. I never thought I was a depressed person. I was in denial for a very long time about my emotions. I never addressed how I was feeling usually. I got so good at just pushing things deep down and hiding them away that when I was given the diagnoses of severe depression, I couldn't believe it.

Now that I've accepted it, Estrid has been working with me to establish coping mechanisms to help me deal with the hard stuff. One of the issues I face with my depression is feeling lonely and unsupported. Don't get me wrong, my husband and my family are amazingly supportive. Unfortunately, there is only so much they can do for me. These feelings of loneliness and sadness often surface the most at night when my pain may be more prominent and I wake up at 3AM. Rocky, my pup, is even sleeping that late and doesn't want to be bothered (he's an amazing dog and gives me so much comfort) :).

So with all that said, Estrid and I began talking about things that make me feel less lonely at those really tough times. One thing I mentioned to her is prayer. I've never considered myself a very religious person. My Dad is Jewish and my Mom was raised Christian and I got kind of stuck in between. We celebrated Passover in the spring and Christmas in the winter and it worked for our family. As an adult I can see why it can be confusing but as a child I loved all the times I got to spend with family. It wasn't about religion for me. One thing that has stayed constant is my belief in God. That has never wavered and I feel like I could not get through this trying time in my life without Him. Whenever I pray, especially on those really rough nights, I feel so much better. God is not too busy for me, He is always listening and always there. From there, she recommended that I keep a prayer journal.

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I've written in a journal in the past but never for therapy, never for prayer. This is something new to me and I am so excited to see the benefits that will come from this. There have been studies done that show that writing has an improved affect on ones well being. I hope this is what gets me through those hard times and I know I will continue it even once I'm passed all this. I know I am going to get through this and I know that God will be there for me every step of the way.

Do you keep a journal? Has it helped you get through a hard time in your life? I'd love to hear from you! :)