Living with Chronic Pain

Do you ever feel suffocated by life? The overwhelming pressure just pushes on you and the only thing you feel like doing is running away. Maybe not, but for me that's how I've been feeling lately. There are so many factors contributing to this "pressure", but one of the main factors is that I'm no where near where I want to be in my life. I'm a planner. Losing control will send me into a panic attack or leave me so anxious I just physically shut down. Being in control is where I'm happy.

I've been living with my injury and chronic pain for 4 1/2 years now. After seeing multiple surgeons, the majority of them feel I am not a candidate for surgery. The major deciding factor? My age. Studies have shown that 10 years from now a patient who chose back surgery and one who opted out will have the same symptoms. After all the research I've done, I agree. Why have them cut me open and take out pieces of my spine when they can be saved? There are conservative forms of pain treatment though. I can have epidurals followed up by physical therapy, as well as a nerve procedure that could leave me pain free long enough to strengthen my core and body. No longer depending on pain medications to function daily would be amazing. Sounds nice doesn't it? Unfortunately, things I can't speak too publicly about are trying to prevent me from getting the care I need. Fighting this thing has become a full time job for me. I'll get there though. There has to be a light at the end of this long tunnel.

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There it is. Today is hard. It's not necessarily a high pain day, but the consequences of what this pain has done to my life is hanging heavy on my shoulders. I thought writing this would help. I haven't posted anything here in so long I'm not even sure anyone will read this. It doesn't really matter though, writing is therapeutic so I'm going to keep doing it. Maybe tomorrow will be better. :)

(Not so) Wordless Wednesday | Sister Love

Last month my whole family got together for my Aunt's 70th birthday party. For the first time in over 4 years the whole family was all together in the same place.

My big sister and I have always had our ups and downs but I swear to you, the last few years have been amazing. She's not only my sister but my best friend. She moved to Las Vegas a few months back and after a long search she finally got an amazing job! I'm so proud and know this is the fresh beginning she needed. Just thought I'd share some sister love with you all!

I hope you're all doing well! Going to try to catch up on all the blogs I follow this week. 

Happy Wednesday!

Roller Coasters

Being a grown up is hard. Decision making is the worst, especially when it's about your health. How do we ever know if we're making the right decision? This post is going to be cryptic but I need to get this out.

I'm thinking about it like this: it could be worse. I mean life can always be worse. So with this decision being made I could FINALLY be on the road to getting better. Or it could just delay things for a lot longer than I hoped. Man, if only I could see into the future. I have made my decision, but I'm scared to say it out loud. It's 10:30pm on a Wednesday night and I'm racking my brain over it. Textbook over-thinker right here! I'm going to make the call tomorrow and get the wheels turning. Once things are finalized, I plan on sharing my story here in hopes that I can help others who may find themselves in my position one day (hope not!).

I've consulted with the family and professionals and it looks like everyone is on the same page for the most part. I know life is a roller coaster and this ride has been bumpy! It'll be nice to get on the kiddie ride soon and not have to deal with so much of the scariness all at once. A break is much needed.

I don't know if this post will make sense. I just wanted to get on here and write. If you're reading this and believe in the universe or a higher power, I would love if you could put in a good word for me. Until next time loves! Hope you have a great week!

My Hiatus Explained

Did you miss me?! Lol. I haven't posted in quite some time and thought I would hop in and give a bit of an update.

After my accident in late February I went into a bit of a funk. The accident shook me up emotionally and it just made my anxiety with driving a lot worse. My husband and I went on a search for a new vehicle and once we found it, I didn't even drive it off the lot! Lol. Eventually I got more comfortable driving again and I really love all the fancy features of the car (hello sunroof!).

After the car issues, I've just been dealing with some health issues and trying to take each day as it comes. I did some traveling with family in April and May to Las Vegas and Arkansas. Traveling is hard with an injury, however I was able to communicate with airline staff a lot better this time than when I have traveled in the past. Before, I would have been too shy or embarrassed to ask for help but not this time and it was so worth it. For the most part I managed okay and my sister and mom were so accommodating when I had a visit with them. Being with your loved ones is so good for the soul. I'm very lucky.

My sister and I in windy Vegas

Mom and I on our adventure in Arkansas meeting family

Here's a little example of the measures I take when traveling:

A portable heating pad saved me both with my stomach and back aches and pains. I rely on a plug in one at home multiple times a day so discovering this little gem was such a blessing! Just trying to live as normal of a life as I can with chronic pain.

A couple weeks ago I had my 30th birthday. My best friend of 19 years made it so special for me once again. We spent a few hours at the beach during the day and enjoyed a quiet dinner with our gentlemen that night. It was a no fuss kind of day and just what I needed.

These milestone birthdays can sometimes be a bit daunting for some, at least for me this one was. Did I ever think I would be living this life when I turned 30? Absolutely not. It's just one of life's gentle reminders that things don't always go as planned. Every year I always hope that this will be my year of recovery. That living with chronic pain will be part of my past and my husband and I can finally start a family. Sadly, I know this year will be just another year in the books of my living with chronic pain journey. Like I said before, times are tough right now and this planner and worrier is doing the best I can to take each day as it comes.

I miss blogging and I miss sharing things here but life is complicated and I can't know for sure when my next post will be.  Hope you'll stick around. Looking forward to getting back to reading as well, to see what my favorite bloggers have been up to.

Accidents Happen

I'm so happy you all liked my dress! It was such a good night. On a more somber note my week did not start off well.

Yesterday I was in a car accident. Thankfully the other driver and I are fine but man is my car in bad shape. I was pretty startled and it took a while for me to calm down. I kept thinking "Why me?" but a nice talk with Wan and my mom calmed me down a bit and I realized that I'm okay and accidents happen.

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The next few weeks are going to be a bit stressful while my car is being tended to but it's nothing I know I can't handle. I'm going to deal with it the best way I know how and keep moving forward. Living in Los Angeles is hard sometimes. Although I live outside of the world you may see on TV or visit as a tourist it's still very urban here and everyone drives! I'm over it. So today while I'm dealing with estimates and claims, I'm going to think of better days ahead where I live in a peaceful place with no traffic.

I hope you have a great week! Send your good thoughts that I get through this week smoothly!

Pretty Dresses and Celebrating Four Years

This past Friday my husband and I celebrated four years as husband and wife. This year, unlike the past couple years, I decided to make an effort to dress up and go big. We have a tradition of dinner and a movie and that didn't change. I just went a little dressier than usual for our special night.

A couple of weeks ago I was contacted by Eshakti to review one of their products. I had been reading their reviews for years and it felt so nice to be considered as a blogger worthy of reviewing one of their lovely designs. I knew that our anniversary would be the perfect occasion to show it off. :)

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Over the years I have acquired a small collection of vintage reproduction dresses. It's honestly no surprise that I love dresses as much as I do. My mom has been curling my hair and putting me in party dresses since I was a toddler. When I was choosing my dress I was so impressed by the large amount of vintage inspired designs that Eshakti carries and equally impressed when I discovered that all of their designs are customizable! So fun!

Floral Digital Print Bow Tie Dress

What I loved most about this dress was the print. Call me an old lady but I am a sucker for most things floral print. The pattern reminded me of everything I love about spring. I knew it would be a great transition piece to carry through all seasons.

I took advantage of the customizing option and sent them my exact measurements, requested the short sleeve option and a below the knee length. My favorite option was hands down the pockets! Perfect for carrying my phone and lipstick. :)

Pockets!

I received the dress in a week and was thrilled at the turn around time of a custom piece. The only down side of all this was that the dress was too big in the waist. I'm not sure if I didn't correctly take my measurements or if something went wrong in production. Other than that, the length, the sleeves and the fabric were wonderful. The fabric is a heavy polyester blend that not only felt luxurious but kept me warm all night.

Because I loved it so much, a quick trip to the tailor and it was perfect! I paired an old pair of Target heels with it and I not only felt pretty but stayed comfortable all night. I don't think I have loved a dress this much since my wedding. Fitting, since I wore it four years to the day of our special day.

After my mini photo shoot ;), Wan and I were off to our favorite family owned Argentinian restaurant, Pampas. We ate lots of Chimichurri covered goodness and then headed to the movies to see American Sniper. If you haven't seen this movie yet, I highly recommend it! Wan had already read the book and I'm currently half way through it. We concluded our wonderful night at Denny's for some dessert and took lots of pictures of ourselves. Lol!

I kept trying to get him to smile and was giving him the look after the fifth take! Haha!

I am so grateful to have married my best friend and look forward to many more years of nights like this with my handsome man and pretty dresses. :)

* I was sent this dress for the purpose of reviewing it and all opinions are my own. If you would like to purchase your own customizable piece from Eshakti you can enter the code 'throughtheseeyes' - exclusively created for my readers to get 10% off - valid until 2/28/14 :)

Flashback Friday | I Do!

Today is a special day for Wan and I. Four years ago today, I walked down the aisle with my blubbering dad, and met my sweet man to say our vows.

We didn't know then how trying these next four years would be and how much our vows would be put to the test. Our first year of marriage was long distance (thanks Army! Lol.) and my injury came shortly after his homecoming.

I honestly could not have gone through all of this without the love and support of my amazing husband. 

To Wan: Happy Anniversary my love! I am thankful everyday that I married the man of my dreams. You're the bestest and I'll love you forever. <3